Aden

Kenneth Aden Freeman, you are my little sweet heart. You are currently 4 (soon to be 5). Your little smile warms my heart. When you were born I was sure I knew you in the pre-existance. You were named after your dad, and of course, myself. I see a little of both of us in you. You were 9 pounds even when you were born and such a hungry little guy. You ate, and ate, and ate. A nurse told me I didn't need to feed you so much. You started crying and I believe it was 1:00 in the morning, but I had just fed you at 11:00. I thought, "I'm supposed to wait. He shouldn't eat so often." I delayed for a good 30 minutes trying to comfort you, but in the end I gave you a bottle despite what the nurse claimed and you were totally content. You were just hungry. You loved attention as a baby, and still as a 4 year-old you haven't changed much! You constantly wanted held, and as I mentioned before, you also loved to eat.

You were a very scary little toddler. I felt it was my duty to keep you from seriously injuring or killing yourself. I'm not joking. I'm sure you will hear the septic tank story for years to come, but I'll share it on here for you to have always. I'm sure you'll appreciate it ;)

It was a week before Uncle Terrel and Aunt Cindy's wedding reception to be held at Nanny's house. We were desperately trying to get things in order so that everything would be gorgeous. I was on the phone with dad inside Nan's house because Devri was having a "concert" outside and was "too embarrassed" for me to watch. Nan has a septic tank at her house which is what people have when their house is not connected to a city sewer system. It's basically a huge tank under ground containing the sewage for the home.

Well, the existing lid was made of concrete and had crumbled away and in it's place was a thin square board. We had told you several times to stay away from that board. During Devri's "concert" she stops and screams, "ADEN FELL IN THE HOLE!!!" I dropped the phone and ran outside. I didn't want to believe you were in there I was screaming, "ADEN!!! ADEN!!!" I ran toward the hole and saw it exposed with the board lying on the grass beside it. I looked into the dark hole and all I could see was the faint shimmer of liquid rippling. I knew you were in fact down there.

What happened next was an experience I'll never forget (on many levels;)) I felt angels, and our Heavenly Father whisper to me to get you. I threw my arms up in the air and it felt as if someone pushed me on the back and I leaped forward, feet first into the hole to find you. I didn't know how deep the muck would be, I just wanted to save you. My feet hit the bottom and the muck was up to my chest. I frantically searched for you. I grabbed you and looked you in the eyes to make sure you were okay. You looked at me frightened, and I shouted to Nan, "He's okay, I've got him." I passed you up the 2 ft wide corrugated pipe to your Nan. I tried to get out as well. I jumped and Nan caught my hands, but she didn't have strength and I didn't have any leverage to get out. The tube was too small for me to bend my knees to shimmy up. As I was crawling out I met my nemesis all over that pipe. Nestled in each inverted corrugation there were spiders. When I saw those I freaked out, screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" That was really stupid, because all it did was make all of you freak out too. Scared you, Dev, and Nan to death. I calmed down and Nan called my Aunt Roma and Uncle Gary to come help. They arrived shortly and pulled me right out. We both hosed off and went inside to take showers.

That was an experience I'll never forget. And that is what I mean by finding it my duty to keep you from killing yourself. My goodness. You were a dangerous toddler.

You have finally outgrown that. It couldn't have come quicker. I do find you growing at such an alarming rate that it really makes me sad. You get frustrated really easily over silly things, you talk and talk and talk, and are definitely the social butterfly in the family.

I don't know if those things will change in time, but Aden, I find you can channel those things into something really positive. You will be an amazing leader with those attributes. Try to have patience with others, but if you get frustrated with something, don't ramble on just think of a way to fix it. You make people feel comfortable. People are drawn to you. You will be an amazing missionary, I can tell. I love you so much. I would jump in a million "holes" to save your life. You mean everything to me. When you grow older, remember that. Have patience with your mom as a teenager and young adult. I didn't. It's something I'll regret for the rest of my life. Cling to your family. You love friends already, but friends come and go. They used to be everything to me, but I can count on one hand the friendships that will last a lifetime. My best friends now are your dad and my mom. They are all the friends I even need.

You are firey, full of energy, and definitely full of love. When I ask you to do something for me you always say, in the cutest, kindest voice, "Suuure!" So sweet.



Lastly, you are extremely talented athletically. Right now you are playing soccer and are so naturally talented it is amazing to watch. You have rallied your team together and are an excellent team player. You blow almost every team away, and you're only 4. It will be interesting to see what the future has in store for you. Just know, that I believe in you. Always.

Heavenly Father has blessed you with many strengths and you can turn your weaknesses into strengths simply by redirecting your frustration into solving a problem. Try not to bully and pester, but build people up. You can do amazing things, young man, I can feel it in you. I love you.

Overcoming Trials Through Faith

Today in church we had a lesson that really inspired me. It so happens that we have possibly the best sunday school teachers in the whole of the church. Each Sunday is an inspirational lesson, I kid you not. I received a little insight today, however, which I feel inspired to share. 

The lesson was not closely related to the topic, but someone made a comment to the effect of, "the Lord has already felt our trials so that he may have empathy for us and we never need feel that we are alone." Well, this simple truth brought about another simple truth to my mind...

The Lord has felt every ounce of our pain whether it be mentally, physically, or spiritually. He also overcame each of our trials perfectly. He knows how to overcome them and if we let go of our limited mortal understanding and lean on Him, having faith in His all-encompassing Atonement, He will lead us perfectly through any trial we may face.

I've already written about some skewed ways of thinking I have faced due to previously mentioned trials. Shortly after Ken and I were married all those thwarted perceptions were closing in on me at an alarming rate. I was acting as if I were frantically grasping for someone to pull me out of my surrounding mental chaos. I knew something was wrong with my thought process, due to the insights of various people (not a kind thing to do, mind you), I just didn't know what or how to fix myself. The only thing I could think to do was to pray.

I got on my knees and literally, begged the Lord to save me. I told Him I knew there was something wrong with me, but I didn't know what to do. 

I cannot convey to you what exactly took place after that. The only thing I know is that an absolute miracle occurred in my life. Slowly the Lord revealed to me the reasons for my thought processes- the occurrences that had happened to manipulate my mind. I was able to slowly process each situation and move beyond them (i.e. my dad and Vietnam, abusive situations in dating relationships, etc.) I feel I need to emphasize that I did nor do not intend to place blame, but just wanted to understand myself and the incorrect perceptions I was faced with. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that our loving Heavenly Father heard my prayer. I know that Christ has dealt with my specific problems. I know that He knew how to overcome them though I did not. I know that because I exhibited faith in Him, He showed me through His perfect knowledge how to heal my mind.  I know the Lord can and will heal all wounds according to our faith and His will. I cannot convey to you the miracle that took place that night. His Atonement is so miraculous that He literally can change the very makeup of our minds. All the pain, suffering, abuse, loss, etc., we feel in this life cannot stand against the Lord's power. He can lift us out of any black abyss that we may face. He can fill any void that we insatiably try to fill. He did that for me. I know I am the woman I am today because of the Lord's hand in my life. He has guided me to tremendous growth and I can add this to the life long list of things I am both indebted to and ever grateful for. This hymn (#124) helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.

"Be Still, My Soul"

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

I also know that if you ever feel lost; if you ever feel alone, afraid, or trodden down He will never leave you comfortless. He will come to you. He stands at the door and knocks. It is up to you to open the door. Let His love and light consume you.

My Love; My Kenny

To all of you I am sharing some of my weaknesses with you here to help you to realize that a) if you have this same weakness you are not alone, and b) don't take people the Lord places in your life for granted.

I had a lot of baggage going into finding a person to marry. I wanted to be loved so badly that I often forced it instead of letting it happen naturally. For example, I was needy. Constantly calling, wanting attention, and insanely pushing to see if he was there for real. I would set myself up for failure in a relationship because I was scared to death of getting hurt by men. I would deem the relationship a failure before it even began, not with every relationship....mostly just this one. By the time this relationship came around I had been through so many awful relationships which only ended in heartbreak...okay maybe a handful, but it was enough to change the person I was. I was a wreck. Because I did that, I really missed out on enjoying the journey. I took it all for granted. I had an expectation of how it was supposed to be and I was constantly trying to force it to be that instead of stepping back and taking a breath and letting it happen. I missed out on that blessing. I missed the allowance of the spirit to touch my heart which would enable me to have a deeper love for this man. I took him for granted for years. Thinking it all should've happened the way I had envisioned it. But in all reality I'm the one who missed out. What a blessing it would've been to have a calm heart and to have been able to enjoy the journey we were taking together.

So here we go. Here is the story of how I met my sweet heart.

Heavenly Father had promised me something in a blessing one summer in my mother's home in Monticello, Utah. He told me He was preparing someone for me. Of course my heart was filled with excitement. I looked at every boy wondering if he was the "one" being prepared for me!

What I didn't know was at that exact time an elder was diligently serving his mission in Ecuador. Walking door to door sharing the gospel and growing into a man who would change my life forever.

I had moved back to Salt Lake at the end of that summer to start my fall semester. I lived in a two bedroom apartment and was desperately looking for a roommate to split my rent in half. My price range was just high enough that most girls didn't come looking, but one was very, very interested. She was 28 years old and extremely odd. She was an avid runner. She made sure she went literally every day of the week. Well, as it so happened she got hit by a car while running. I think she ran too close to the line, personally, but what do I know? Two weeks later, she got hit by another car while running! Well, she drew up a sign up sheet and had it passed around elder's quorum for men to go running with her to "protect" her.

The paper hit the hands of a newly returned missionary and he, being in love with running and composed of a sweet spirit, signed the sheet. He wasn't the only one, and for some reason I was asked to call every man on that list to ask if they would go running with my roommate on any given day of the week. Not only did I call every man I also escorted them through the halls of the apartment complex into our apartment for my roommate. In all reality I only remember one man. I remember opening the door to the complex to find that same returned missionary who spoke in sacrament meeting on my birthday sunday. I remember him because we smiled at each other a couple of times through his talk. He was very stern looking. Very serious minded. Would rarely smile. Oh but when he smiled! My heart melted instantly. Something about this young man seemed so familiar to me, almost as if I'd met him before.

I decided I needed to go running this time too! I didn't want to seem silly, but there was something magnetic about this man. I was very interested in him.

After that I still set up the running days, but when it came to his we texted a couple of times back and forth. The run turned into a date. I remember we made rice crispy treats that date and watched a movie or something of that nature. We never spent another day separated after that first date.

I put him through a lot of grief, but he is the only man who has ever stayed true and by my side in my life. He was my stripling warrior. He has always been silently confident, humbly strong, and always constant and steady. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He loved me when I didn't love myself. He was the rock on which I was able to dig through the mess and build who I really am. It is because of him I am the person I am today. Kenny Pie, you saved me. I will never be able to thank you enough for what you have given me.

We were engaged sometime in May, I believe. He took me to the spot the pioneers had found to pick the location of the temple and told me he chose this day for us to start building something beautiful.

We were married November 3, 2005. I was 21 and he was 23. Devri was sealed to us and this was the start of the rest of our lives. Now, a little over 5 years later, I love him more than ever. He is my ultimate comfort. I could be anywhere in the world and as long as I was with him I would feel home. I love you sweetie.

Devri

This picture is awful quality, but it doesn't diminish how sweet little Devri was. Why I was blessed with such a remarkable spirit I will never know, but I'm so glad I was. Devri was born on Augst 3, 2001. 8lbs 11oz. She was a sweet, sweet baby and an even sweeter toddler. How many hopes and dreams I have for you Dev. I changed my whole life around to give you everything you have and went through many trials to do it. I hope one day you will marry in the temple and I will be sitting by your side with Nan to be there for you. Just like Nan and Grandma Black were there by my side.

When we were sealed together in the Salt Lake Temple my dreams came true. It was one of the happiest days of my life. When Dad and I got sealed together first I was fine, but when the sealer asked us to stand so you could be brought into the room to be sealed to us I was overcome with emotion. The tears fell continuously from my eyes. I couldn't control it. It was as if everything I had fought through to bring you to this place to be with me forever was coming to mind. And it was all worth it. All of it. I would do it all again.

One day at school in college I was missing you and couldn't stop thinking about you so I wrote you a poem:

-She Beams-

She Beams...

Golden threads of sunlit hair

She Beams...

Eyes with life and color none compare

She Beams...

No crevice in her perfect skin

She Beams...

The love of Christ radiates within

She Beams...

Hearts are lost to her smile

She Beams, She Beams

The Father's cherished child

You are my little drop of sunlight. I am so proud of the girl you are. I think you are beautiful, but more importantly I think you have a beautiful spirit. I know that there is a very special purpose on this earth for you. I could feel it all around you when you were a baby. I know I haven't been a perfect parent to you. I wish I could've been everything you ever needed. I wish I knew exactly how to speak to you, how to love you, and how to make you become who you are supposed to be. I feel like I've been given this amazing gift and I don't know how to keep it amazing! I'm an imperfect person, Dev. I hope you forgive me for that. I would do anything to help you you rise to your potential. I'm scared to death of raising you in a way that would not suffice the Lord. Your father and I love you so much. Don't ever question that. We will be here for you forever. In this life and the next.

Me, As A Teenager

I did a few things as a teenager that I am absolutely ashamed of. I think of those days as a waste of life. I could've been so much better then I was. I was an awful daughter, a horrible example of a friend, and I never really progressed in school. I did the minimum just to get by. My grades were usually barely scraping by just to stay on the cheer squad. I hate to admit it, but today I think of the person I was as a "loser". I'm not saying I was an awful person, but my choices were awful. Call it hormones, a yearn to be loved by others, or whatever you want. The truth is no matter what happens to you it's not the trial its self, but the way you react to the trial.

There is a quality that I had which I think pulled me out of it all.  I had a desire to be good. I was going about it all the wrong ways.  There were a couple of people in my life who made all the difference. I had the most beautiful hearted, loving mother anyone could ever ask for. She was my main support. I knew she thought the world of me, and often times I would use that to my advantage, which of course I am mortified by now. I had an equally beautiful grandmother (Hilma Burge Black) who I absolutely adored and she was a rock of righteousness in my life. I looked up to her more than she ever knew. I had a seminary teacher (Brother Randy LaRose) who was my mentor. I absorbed his seminary lessons like a sponge and the spirit often burned the truth of his lessons deep into my heart. I had a testimony I knew I could not diverge from. Many of my friends were able to sit through the exact same lessons and not be affected by them as I was. Their lives today are a testament to that. Brother LaRose became my most trusted ally. He talked me through some very hard times and always led me to choose the right. I really feel that he was placed at Monticello High School just for me. I'm sure he has touched the lives of many students, but I don't know that he has touched any of theirs the way he was able to touch mine through the spirit. And finally, when I married Ken it was as if I was finally able to break out of the pattern of life I had become so accustomed. Like the fog finally cleared and I was able to find myself.

Looking back it is easy to see how Heavenly Father lined these people up for me to bring me back to Him, isn't it? How inspirational. I have goose bumps right now. How grateful I am for His hand in my life. What a blessing it is to look back and see that after all these years.

A Changing Point For My Family

Dad left. He found himself a girl friend when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. I remember how embarassed I was. Lots of embarrassing moments. It all led up to me feeling incredibly insecure and having a void I didn't know how to fill. I felt betrayed, unwanted, alone, and mostly bitter. I hated him.

I wrote this angry poem about it. I'm not proud of it now and I think it's rude and cruel, but maybe it will give some insight as to how I was feeling.

How Could You?

Hate fills my veins 

When I think of what you did

You left us and replaced us with

Other people - Heaven forbid

Other people who didn't even 

care about you

I thought I was your little girl

But you managed to replace that too

I would like to know if the alcohol

makes you forget

Forget about the hearts you've broken

and of all your regrets

Did you think I would never need you?

Did you think I wouldn't care?

or is that what you tell yourself

as you go to sleep- How do you dare?

Dare to leave us behind 

Like some unwanted gift

Quit feeling worry for yourself

We're the ones who need the lift.

Don't tell me you love me

Actions speak louder than words.

And I'm supposed to forgive

what you did? It really hurt.

I will forgive

But I'll never forget

You screwed us over

Like we were some bet.

You really don't care about us

You care about yourself- which is nothing new

I was just wondering...

How could you? 

How could you?  

Ew. Is that just the most angry thing ever? Doesn't make me feel very good to read it. I wrote that as a teenager. So I was carrying those feelings around for years. Can you imagine how I must of felt inside? Weighed down by all that negativity and hatred? Pretty unpleasant.

No doubt what he did was wrong. It was a selfish choice that ripped our family apart and emotionally wounded our entire family possibly for life. I know I developed lots of skewed ways of thinking which were set in stone by situations that were to come in my future. I still, 14 years later, struggle with ways of thinking that undoubtedly came from that one choice my dad made, but I was able to let it all go! I was able to rise above it all. I was able to go to the Lord and lift of my backpack full of rocks. Rocks of hatred, animosity, cruelty, and an overal evil disposition towards my very own father.  

So not only am I trying to show the effects of infidelity, but also how one can rise above hatred by going to the Lord and asking for help. 

-My Changing Point-

I hated my dad so much. I just wanted him to feel the hatred oozing out of my pores each time he was even close to me. I wanted him to see my animosity toward him in my eyes. I wanted him to apologize, to embrace me, and tell me how much he loved me, but because he never did that I lashed out by hating him so much it made me sick to look at him. One day I noticed he didn't see any of my hate when he looked at me. He didn't care that I hated him! He was going on living his life not even noticing how badly he hurt me. Well, of course this hurt me even more. I cried and cried about it.

But then I realized (through the spirit, though I didn't recognize it at the time) after a period of time, that I didn't have to carry all that hatred around anymore. I felt that Dad would be confronted with all the pain he caused us either in this life or the next. In order to progress he would have to face up to what he'd done and pay the price for it. I felt sorry for him.

My heart honestly felt sorry that he would have to feel even an ounce of the pain I had felt. I realized that the Lord would take care of it. I didn't have to. In fact I didn't have the authority to make Dad's judgement call. I felt relieved. I felt the wound finally begin to heal. 

After even more time went by and a marriage to my sweetheart, the Lord revealed more to me (line upon line and precept upon precept) so that I could better understand that lesson he had given me years ago. I realized that my dad had been through so much in his life. He served in Vietnam when he was 19. He told me of some of his stories, through one of his drunken stupors, which were horrible (and I was way too young to hear any of them). I think that war traumatized Dad. I really truly believe Dad never grew up. He is still at 60+ years old that 19 year old boy who can't grow up. That's what I believe the Lord showed me. I don't know what he went through in his life that led up to who he is today, and I don't agree with most of the decisions he makes, but none of that really matters. I love him. I pray that out of anything he goes through he knows that. I hope he can feel it in my eyes and my spirit when I am around him. I am grateful to have had him as my dad. 

Me, as a Child

I always look back on my childhood with the fondest of memories. Playing around with my older brother, Terrel, who was, by far my best friend. We played catch, ran around the house, rode our bikes to the swimming pool together, laughed, played Nintendo, and loved exploring at the farm while Dad worked.

Terrel and Me

There was a long hallway which ran right down the middle of our house. I still remember running up and down the hallway of our home, totally care free. I remember putting socks on and running down the hall and into the kitchen to slide across the floor. Yes, we got injured a few times! Terrel was my hero. He was so much better than me at everything we did. He could run faster, throw the ball farther, win all the Nintendo games, and he was so smart. I admired everything he did. He could even give me "pumps" on his bike all the way up the road to the swimming pool. I would sit on the bike seat and he would pedal standing up. I was probably too slow, or had a flat tire, or something of that nature.

Mom, Dad, Brandon, Me, and Terrel

Our New House: Uncle Tob, Grandma Pearson, Aunt Betty, Dad, Grandpa Pearson, Me, and Terrel in front

Me, Grandpa Pearson, and Terrel

I loved my Grandpa Pearson so much. He used to tease me all the time. When we ate one of Grandma Pearson's fabulous meals I would ask him to pass something to me and he would always grin and say, "You got a nickle?" He would tickle my neck all the time (my neck still tickles today.) My childhood was rich and good. I was blessed to have such a happy home.

-Our Nintendo Toys-

Look at how far Nintendo has come! We owned the very first Nintendo(1984) ever marketed. It was so cool. This was amazing to us! I remember having to blow the dust out of the nintendo and the game to basically plug it into the machine so it would read it. This is so old school.

On it we played had Duck Hunt, a hockey game, and Mario Brothers which were my favorites. (that little tiny orangy guy in the bottom picture is Mario)

Then they came out with Game Boys which each of us had. (this may have actually come out later. I can't remember.) They were hand held little nintendos with a screen. The screen wasn't colored like they are today. All the objects were the same tint of grey with a green back ground. 

Next it was Super Nintendo(1991) and we thought this was amazing (I loved playing Aladdin), then Nintendo 64 was the first 3D gaming system.

Nintendo came out with another gaming system called the Game Cube or something. It is the only one we never got. It wasn't very popular. And was surpassed by the Sony Play Station.

Nintendo revamped and came out with the wii, reclaiming it's front running position. This is the "Nintendo" you guys know. Obviously we thought Nintendos were the coolest thing ever!