Blessings

This summer started off amazing. I had the kids organized with workbooks, chores, activities, etc. I was able to keep my house clean, get ready every day, and stay on top of my photography. As the summer has busied my desires to keep the house clean haven't changed, but it feels overwhelming and I don't know where to start. I keep digging in to get it done, but who am I kidding, with kids it seems like they're right behind me destroying any attempts I make. For example, I just got a brand new slipcover for my beloved white sectional sofa a week ago. Yesterday as I was frantically cleaning before the bug guy came Aden was upstairs making hand crafted books and wouldn't you know he left crayons in reach of Kade. Guess where Kade took his artwork? If images of my white sectional are flashing in your mind you would be right! Oh, but he didn't stop there... He took his colors to the white sofa in the living room along with all the walls between. It's not that I'm worried about getting the stains out. I mean, come on, as someone who loves white sofas, bedding, etc. I can get anything out of them and they'll look awesome once I do. The frustration comes in because now I have to clean the couches on top of everything else!

Let's touch on the kids arguing. I'm to the point that if I hear someone yell or demean or insult one another one more time I may turn into the Queen of Hearts over here. Maybe I already have. Kruize did tell his class mates at church this last Sunday he wanted to "break their necks." That was totally humiliating and made me feel that I'm failing my kids.

I'm definitely going through a phase of wanting to feel respected, noticed, loved, and with my 30th birthday looming, 10 years younger. Let's face it, parenting can feel heartbreaking at times. We've had some other trials that have been scary, saddening, confusing, and disappointing. I have found myself very angry. This morning I opened up Facebook and watched a video about feeling alone someone had posted, a blurb about the importance of women and motherhood, I've been having thoughts of my Patriarchal Blessing come to mind so I pulled it out of my journal this morning and came across something written by my uncle. I've had a feeling to share it. The attitude of my grandpa in this story brought me to tears and the parallel my uncle made is absolutely amazing.

"My good father operated a dry cleaners all of my young life.  Occasionally, we would miss a “stain maker” in the pockets of clothing before they were washed in the solvent.  A ballpoint pen could be devastating.  A tube of red lipstick, ironically, was the kiss of death.  The stains left by lipstick were impossible to remove from most fabrics and we would scrub with chemicals all night to try and save the clothing.  Most of the time dad would have to reimburse our customers the purchase price of their clothes if lipstick was involved.  My dad could ill afford such a disaster and employed the youngest children to scour all the pockets and assure him that no lipstick snuck into a batch.  (Our pay was a nickel candy bar on Saturday afternoon.)

"Dad was the sweetest man who ever lived.  It is one of my regrets that none of my dear children ever knew him here on earth.  One evening, even after the children’s promises to the contrary, red lipstick made it into a batch of expensive suits.  Dad stood to lose a fortune but he remained calm and spiritual.  I remember being so impressed with his composure, but even more impressed with the lesson he taught me.  “LeGrand, come over here,” Dad said, “Let me show you something.”

“Sort the suits into two piles, those made of wool and those made of anything else,” he instructed.

“Those made of other fabrics love their stains and refuse to give them up.  They are a total loss and we will have to reimburse their owners.  But luckily there are several suits made of wool here.  Wool is my favorite material.  It gives up its stains easily and I can always make it look brand new.”

It was true.  After a few hours of elbow grease we had all of the wool suits looking new.  

Dear Children, cotton clings to stains tenaciously.  You can’t get many hard stains out of cotton.  Let us be wool, your grandfather’s favorite fabric.  Let us give up our sins willingly and easily.  It is the price of knowing God and receiving Eternal Life. "

I might add: let us never be as cotton holding on to our stains of anger and pride ultimately making the lives of those around us dull. Let us be as wool in our attitudes, willing to give up

our pride and brighten the lives of those around us. 

My little Kruize is named "Kruize Black Freeman" Black coming from this side of my family. Let's hope my Grandpa Black can help me make some of this stick, because at this point, I need the help of heaven!

Anyway I felt I needed to share this for some reason.  I have a vast array of things going on right now that have honestly gotten me a little down. This morning I made a conscious decision to choose the Lord anyway and do you think it is pure coincidence that I found all these things that answered/comforted every aspect of my frustrations? That I came across a story of my grandpas attitude over stains when, just yesterday, my baby created masterpieces on my sofas? Could it be pure coincidence? I don't believe it for a second. My uncle also has a saying, "The Lord knows us intimately and loves us infinitely." I know this to be true. I have seen His hand in the details of my life over and over again. I am sure if you look closely enough at the "coincidences" in your life you'll start to realize it's really the hand of a loving Heavenly Father blessing your life daily whether you realize it or not. 

Dad

Jimmy Joe Pearson

July 20, 1942 - June 26, 2012

Almost four months later and I'm still struggling with the reality of it. I didn't talk to Dad a lot over the phone, and I didn't visit Monticello often either, so in many ways I can live in denial about him actually passing away. That is, until I want to call, and realize there will be no answer from his deep, gruff voice, or when I look through my phone contacts to send a picture of my new baby and see his number there, or when I am having a terrible day and all I want to hear is his voice saying, "Keep your chin up, Honey." like he always did, or when I think back to his viewing and walking into the room and seeing him there and watching his chest ever so closely, but it doesn't rise or fall it just stays stationary, and it all cascades on me that this is real. I sit here through tears because even as I write this now, I am having to deal with those same feelings. He cannot be gone, right? Not my daddy.

Mom called me one morning in tears. I wondered what was wrong and she said the words that seemed to shake the ground beneath me, "Ade? Your father has passed away." My response? "Are you serious? What happened?" Well, we never really could piece together what happened. We have some ideas, but they don't preform autopsies in Monticello, so really it's a guess. And honestly, in the end it really doesn't make a difference how he left, it doesn't fill the void, doesn't bring him back. 

I rushed down to Monticello just as quickly as I could. On the way there I just thanked my Heavenly Father for letting me have Dad in my life. I am grateful the Lord healed my heart when I was younger. I had no anger towards Dad, no regrets of a hate filled heart. I had long forgiven him and was able to separate his actions from his spirit, and all that was left was love. 

I remember that I called Dad on Father's Day just two weeks before he passed. At the end of the call he started crying telling me how much he loved me. That memory means so much to me. I suspect from this and other accounts, he had an idea he was passing, possibly for months. 

I can't think of much else to say. Perhaps I'll add to this as time goes on. For now I'll end by sharing the talk I gave at his funeral.

"I didn't plan this out very well, putting myself last! (I made up the program and was the last speaker)

"I interviewed each grandchild and asked them of their favorite memories. This is what they said in their own words."

Aden: "Fishing, talking on the phone, riding on his tractor. When he gived us hugs."

Kruize: "I love him and want to play tennis with him. I like to play checkers with him." 

"I don't know when they actually ever played checkers!"

Devri: "Going fishing, watching cartoons, helping him water the garden and his cows."

Colton: "When we were at the greenhouse I went into the coral and almost got rammed by a bull, but instead I scared the bull away. It reminds me of how I used to scare Papa and Papa would jump which ended up scaring me!"

"Colton, we have all been there!"

Isaac: "When we went fishing and he was baiting our hooks instead of his own. I asked him why he wasn't fising. He told me he wanted to get ours out. He was a very generous man. Then helped me reel in my fish and we got to ride in the back of the truck that day. We cooked the fish we caught and it was really good."

Chade: "Feeding a baby cow named, Rico, together."

Trevor: "Building fence together. We would notice Grandpa would disappear and we'd find him asleep under a tree with a cigarette in his hand. I loved that."

Last week Terrel and his wife, Cindy had a new baby girl, Kyah. We hope Dad is getting a good look at his sweet new granddaughter.

"Papa wrote a poem and it seems that he wrote this especially for his grandkids."

ONE AND ONLY YOU

Every single blade of grass

And every flake of snow

Is just a wee bit different

No two alike you know.

From something small, like grains of sand

To that gigantic star,

All were made with this in mind:

To be just what they are.

How foolish then, to imitate,

How useless to pretend

Since each of us comes from a mind

Whose thoughts will never end.

There’ll only be just one of me

To show what I can do,

And you should feel quite proud

There’s only one of you.

By Jim Pearson

"And Papa, we want you to know there is only ONE of you. We are so grateful we had the privilege of having you in our lives. We will love you forever and ever and miss you terribly until we meet again."

I know families can be together forever and I am so grateful to the Savior for making that possible by giving his life that we may return to Heavenly Father again. I am so grateful for the wonderful Plan of Happiness Heavenly Father instituted for us. What a blessing life is. What a blessing the Lord answered my prayer and I was able to forgive my dad. I am excited to meet him again someday and have felt his presence from time to time since he has passed. How blessed I feel to know of these simple truths. What healing they bring to an aching heart! Even still the Lord blesses me.

Where is Your Faith?

I have had the feeling that it is time to add a new member to this family, but keep thinking of reasons why I don't want to right now. All of them are temporal reasons, including getting back into shape, and having to start over with a new baby now that my other children are more independent. I also feel  that four seems like a lot of kids and most people who have four kids are older. I'm only 27. Truthfully I'm terrified of pregnancy and child birth too.

Well someone asked me to pray about it and I thought, "I already know what the Lord will say, of course He will say yes, so I don't want to ask!" Instead, I asked close friends, I asked my mom, I asked Ken. Some friends thought I was crazy, some friends thought I should go for it, Ken told me that since I will be the one to carry the child through pregnancy, and because he'll be at work I'll mostly be caring for the child, so ultimately it would be my decision and he supports me one hundred percent. I agreed with the logic, but at the time felt that it was not helpful... sweet, but not helpful. Over time my conscience seared with guilt at my attitude toward prayer, and I finally turned to the Lord for help. I felt a tender feeling in my heart that I had greatly misjudged the Lord. I thought I knew what he would say and He whispered to my heart that He knows me and what I can handle and would in no way give me more than I could handle. I felt sheepish for thinking I knew the Lord's will without even asking. I thought I felt this was correct, but I doubted myself. How do I know if I've felt the spirit?

After my prayer I let my scriptures fall open and they fell open to D&C, section 6. The whole chapter speaks about knowing if you've felt the spirit! The very last two verses say,

"Look to me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.
"Behold the wounds which pierced my side, and also the prints of the nails in my hands and feet; be faithful, keep my commandments, and ye shall inherit the kingdom of heaven. Amen."

The Lord answered my prayer. I should've turned to him, "in every thought." It wasn't until I did that I was comforted. I talked to one of my closest friends about my struggle to find my answers and how I eventually came to my decision. I told her how people I shared the news with thought I was crazy to want, "so many" children (she has been a complete answer to prayers several times in my life. The Lord blessed me with meeting her and I'm so grateful for it. She is undoubtedly someone the Lord placed in my life at this point in time to help me.) She led me to this talk from our last General Conference by Neil Anderson called "Children." This is a testimony that the Lord hears and answers our prayers. He had answered my question before I even asked it and had placed people in my life to help me find them. He is mindful of each person and wants only the best for them. I know this talk was inspired for me. This is a direct answer to my prayer-

Children, by Neil L. Andersen- Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, October2011 General Conference

As we look into the eyes of a child, we see a fellow son or daughter of God who stood with us in the premortal life.

It is a crowning privilege of a husband and wife who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for these spirit children of God. We believe in families, and we believe in children

When a child is born to a husband and wife, they are fulfilling part of our Heavenly Father's plan to bring children to earth. The Lord said, "This is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." Before immortality, there must be mortality.

The family is ordained of God. Families are central to our Heavenly Father's plan here on earth and through the eternities. After Adam and Eve were joined in marriage, the scripture reads, "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth." In our day prophets and apostles have declared, "The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force."

This commandment has not been forgotten or set aside in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We express deep gratitude for the enormous faith shown by husbands and wives (especially our wives) in their willingness to have children. When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions--decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.

Years ago, Elder James O. Mason of the Seventy shared this story with me: "The birth of our sixth child was an unforgettable experience. As I gazed on the beautiful, new daughter in the nursery just moments after her birth, I distinctly heard a voice declare, 'There will yet be another, and it will be a boy.' Unwisely, I rushed back to the bedside of my absolutely exhausted wife and told her the good news. It was very bad timing on my part." Year after year the Masons anticipated the arrival of their seventh child. Three, four, five, six, seven years passed. Finally, after eight years, their seventh child was born--a little boy.

Last April, President Thomas S. Monson declared:

"Where once the standards of the Church and the standards of society were mostly compatible, now there is a wide chasm between us, and it's growing ever wider. ...

"The Savior of mankind described Himself as being in the world but not of the world. We also can be in the world but not of the world as we reject false concepts and false teachings and remain true to that which God has commanded."

Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family. My daughters recently referred me to a blog written by a Christian mother (not of our faith) with five children. She commented: "[Growing] up in this culture, it is very hard to get a biblical perspective on motherhood. ...Children rank way below college. Below world travel for sure. Below the ability to go out at night at your leisure. Below honing your body at the gym. Below any job you may have or hope to get." She then adds: "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

Having young children is not easy. Many days are just difficult. A young mother got on a bus with seven children. The bus driver asked, "Are these all yours, lady? Or is it a picnic?"

"They're all mine," she replied. "And it's no picnic!"

As the world increasingly asks, "Are these all yours?" we thank you for creating within the Church a sanctuary for families, where we honor and help mothers with children.

To a righteous father, there are no words sufficient to express the gratitude and love he feels for his wife's incalculable gift of bearing and caring for their children.

Elder Mason had another experience just weeks after his marriage that helped him prioritize his family responsibilities. He said"

"Marie and I had rationalized that to get me through medical school it would be necessary for her to remain in the workplace. Although this was not what we [wanted] to do, children would have to come later. [While looking at a Church magazine at my parents' home,] I saw an article by Elder Spencer W. Kimball, then of the Quorum of the Twelve, [highlighting] responsibilities associated with marriage. According to Elder Kimball, one sacred responsibility was to multiply and replenish the earth. My parents' home was [close to] the Church Administration Building. I immediately walked to the offices, and 30 minutes after reading his article, I found myself sitting across the desk from Elder Spencer W. Kimball." (This wouldn't be so easy today.)

"I explained that I wanted to become a doctor. There was no alternative but to postpone having our family. Elder Kimball listened patiently and then responded in a soft voice, 'Brother Mason, would the Lord want you to break one of his important commandments in order for you to become a doctor? WIth the help of the Lord, you can have your family and still become a doctor. Where is your faith?'"

Elder Mason continued: "Our first child was born less than a year later. Marie and I worked hard, and the Lord opened the windows of heaven." The Masons were blessed with two more children before he graduated from medical school four years later.

Across the world, this is a time of economic instability and financial uncertainty. In April general conference, President Thomas S. Monson said: "If you are concerned about providing financially for a wife and family, may I assure you that there is no shame in a couple having to scrimp and save. It is generally during these challenging times that you will grow closer together as you learn to sacrifice and to make difficult decisions."

Elder Kimball's piercing question, "Where is your faith?" turns us to the holy scriptures.

It was not in the Garden of Eden that Adam and Eve bore their first child. Leaving the garden, "Adam [and Eve] began to till the earth. ...Adam knew his wife, and she [bore] ... sons and daughters, and [acting in faith] they began to multiply and replenish the earth."

It was not in their Jerusalem home, with gold, silver, and precious things, that Lehi and Sariah, acting in faith, bore their sons Jacob and Joseph. It was in the wilderness. Lehi spoke of his son Jacob as "my first-born in the days of my tribulation in the wilderness." Lehi said of Joseph, "Thou wast born in the wilderness of [our] afflictions; yea, in the days of [our] greatest sorrow did thy mother bear thee."

In the book of Exodus, a man and woman married and, acting in faith, had a baby boy. There was no welcoming sign on the front door to announce his birth. They his him because Pharaoh had instructed that every newborn male Israelite should be "cast into the river." You know the rest of the story: the baby lovingly laid in a little ark made of bulrushes, placed in the river, watched over by his sister, found by Pharaoh's daughter, and cared for by his own mother as his nurse. The boy was returned to Pharaoh's daughter, who took him as her son and called him Moses.

In the most beloved story of a baby's birth, there was no decorated nursery or designer crib--only a manger for the Savior of the world.

In "the best of times [and] ... the worst of times," the true Saints of God, acting in faith, have never forgotten, dismissed, or neglected "God's commandment ... to multiply and replenish the earth." We go forward in faith--realizing the decision of how many children to have and when to have them is between a husband and wife and the Lord. We should not judge one another on this matter.

The bearing of children is a sensitive subject that can be very painful for righteous women who do not have the opportunity to marry and have a family. To you noble women, our Heavenly Father knows your prayers and desires. How grateful we are for your remarkable influence, including reaching out with loving arms to children who need your faith and strength.

The bearing of children can also be a heartbreaking subject for righteous couples who marry and find that they are unable to have the children they so anxiously anticipated or for a husband and wife who plan on having a large family but are blessed with a smaller family.

We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair--especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord's servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: "Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, [as] they keep the covenants the have made with God."

President J. Scott Dorius of the Peru Lima West Mission told me their story. He said:

"Becky and I were married for 25 years without being able to have [or adopt] children. We moved several times. Introducing ourselves in each new setting was awkward and sometimes painful. Ward members wondered why we [didn't have] children. They  weren't the only ones wondering.

"When I was called as a bishop, ward members [expressed] concern that I did not have any experience with children and teenagers. I thanked them for their sustaining vote and asked them to allow me to practice my child-raising skills on their children. They lovingly obliged.

"We waited, gained perspective, and learned patience. After 25 years of marriage, a miracle baby came into our lives. We adopted two-year-old Nicole and then newborn Nikolai. Strangers now compliment us on our beautiful grandchildren. We laugh and say, 'They are our children. We have lived our lives backwards.'"

Brothers and sisters, we should not be judgmental with one another in this sacred and private responsibility.

"And [Jesus] took a child ... in his arms [and] said ...

"Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth ... him that sent me."

What a wonderful blessing we have to receive sons and daughters of God into our home.

Let us humbly and prayerfully seek to understand and accept God's commandments, reverently listening for the voice of His Holy Spirit.

Families are central to God's eternal plan. I testify of the great blessing of children and of the happiness they will bring us in this life and in the eternities, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Kruize

Little Kruize Black Freeman, you have brought so much joy to this family. You have a darling little personality and keep all of us laughing. You are currently 2 years old (will be 3 in a month) and every one in this family adores you. You are a marvelous cuddler and will let me kiss on your cheeks to my heart's content. You were 9 lbs 2 oz at birth and the most mellow sweet baby. You have a gentle, sweet personality and you also make the cutest scowl I have ever seen. Your laugh brightens my heart. I adore you.  The name "Kruize" came from dad's line of genealogy and "Black" was my mother's maiden name. Some of the greatest people I know have come from the Black line and you are no exception. You have such a naturally kind spirit and I am more grateful than words describe that you came into my life.
Every night I come check on all my little babies. I leaned over to you tonight and you asked, "can you stay with me?" You kept grabbing my hand and pulling it over you so I would hug you. I just want to let you know that I will never leave you. I will always be there when you need me. I love you, sweetie. You are such a joy to our lives that I cannot think of the right words to express how much you mean to us.

Aden

Kenneth Aden Freeman, you are my little sweet heart. You are currently 4 (soon to be 5). Your little smile warms my heart. When you were born I was sure I knew you in the pre-existance. You were named after your dad, and of course, myself. I see a little of both of us in you. You were 9 pounds even when you were born and such a hungry little guy. You ate, and ate, and ate. A nurse told me I didn't need to feed you so much. You started crying and I believe it was 1:00 in the morning, but I had just fed you at 11:00. I thought, "I'm supposed to wait. He shouldn't eat so often." I delayed for a good 30 minutes trying to comfort you, but in the end I gave you a bottle despite what the nurse claimed and you were totally content. You were just hungry. You loved attention as a baby, and still as a 4 year-old you haven't changed much! You constantly wanted held, and as I mentioned before, you also loved to eat.

You were a very scary little toddler. I felt it was my duty to keep you from seriously injuring or killing yourself. I'm not joking. I'm sure you will hear the septic tank story for years to come, but I'll share it on here for you to have always. I'm sure you'll appreciate it ;)

It was a week before Uncle Terrel and Aunt Cindy's wedding reception to be held at Nanny's house. We were desperately trying to get things in order so that everything would be gorgeous. I was on the phone with dad inside Nan's house because Devri was having a "concert" outside and was "too embarrassed" for me to watch. Nan has a septic tank at her house which is what people have when their house is not connected to a city sewer system. It's basically a huge tank under ground containing the sewage for the home.

Well, the existing lid was made of concrete and had crumbled away and in it's place was a thin square board. We had told you several times to stay away from that board. During Devri's "concert" she stops and screams, "ADEN FELL IN THE HOLE!!!" I dropped the phone and ran outside. I didn't want to believe you were in there I was screaming, "ADEN!!! ADEN!!!" I ran toward the hole and saw it exposed with the board lying on the grass beside it. I looked into the dark hole and all I could see was the faint shimmer of liquid rippling. I knew you were in fact down there.

What happened next was an experience I'll never forget (on many levels;)) I felt angels, and our Heavenly Father whisper to me to get you. I threw my arms up in the air and it felt as if someone pushed me on the back and I leaped forward, feet first into the hole to find you. I didn't know how deep the muck would be, I just wanted to save you. My feet hit the bottom and the muck was up to my chest. I frantically searched for you. I grabbed you and looked you in the eyes to make sure you were okay. You looked at me frightened, and I shouted to Nan, "He's okay, I've got him." I passed you up the 2 ft wide corrugated pipe to your Nan. I tried to get out as well. I jumped and Nan caught my hands, but she didn't have strength and I didn't have any leverage to get out. The tube was too small for me to bend my knees to shimmy up. As I was crawling out I met my nemesis all over that pipe. Nestled in each inverted corrugation there were spiders. When I saw those I freaked out, screaming, "GET ME OUT OF HERE! GET ME OUT OF HERE!" That was really stupid, because all it did was make all of you freak out too. Scared you, Dev, and Nan to death. I calmed down and Nan called my Aunt Roma and Uncle Gary to come help. They arrived shortly and pulled me right out. We both hosed off and went inside to take showers.

That was an experience I'll never forget. And that is what I mean by finding it my duty to keep you from killing yourself. My goodness. You were a dangerous toddler.

You have finally outgrown that. It couldn't have come quicker. I do find you growing at such an alarming rate that it really makes me sad. You get frustrated really easily over silly things, you talk and talk and talk, and are definitely the social butterfly in the family.

I don't know if those things will change in time, but Aden, I find you can channel those things into something really positive. You will be an amazing leader with those attributes. Try to have patience with others, but if you get frustrated with something, don't ramble on just think of a way to fix it. You make people feel comfortable. People are drawn to you. You will be an amazing missionary, I can tell. I love you so much. I would jump in a million "holes" to save your life. You mean everything to me. When you grow older, remember that. Have patience with your mom as a teenager and young adult. I didn't. It's something I'll regret for the rest of my life. Cling to your family. You love friends already, but friends come and go. They used to be everything to me, but I can count on one hand the friendships that will last a lifetime. My best friends now are your dad and my mom. They are all the friends I even need.

You are firey, full of energy, and definitely full of love. When I ask you to do something for me you always say, in the cutest, kindest voice, "Suuure!" So sweet.



Lastly, you are extremely talented athletically. Right now you are playing soccer and are so naturally talented it is amazing to watch. You have rallied your team together and are an excellent team player. You blow almost every team away, and you're only 4. It will be interesting to see what the future has in store for you. Just know, that I believe in you. Always.

Heavenly Father has blessed you with many strengths and you can turn your weaknesses into strengths simply by redirecting your frustration into solving a problem. Try not to bully and pester, but build people up. You can do amazing things, young man, I can feel it in you. I love you.

Overcoming Trials Through Faith

Today in church we had a lesson that really inspired me. It so happens that we have possibly the best sunday school teachers in the whole of the church. Each Sunday is an inspirational lesson, I kid you not. I received a little insight today, however, which I feel inspired to share. 

The lesson was not closely related to the topic, but someone made a comment to the effect of, "the Lord has already felt our trials so that he may have empathy for us and we never need feel that we are alone." Well, this simple truth brought about another simple truth to my mind...

The Lord has felt every ounce of our pain whether it be mentally, physically, or spiritually. He also overcame each of our trials perfectly. He knows how to overcome them and if we let go of our limited mortal understanding and lean on Him, having faith in His all-encompassing Atonement, He will lead us perfectly through any trial we may face.

I've already written about some skewed ways of thinking I have faced due to previously mentioned trials. Shortly after Ken and I were married all those thwarted perceptions were closing in on me at an alarming rate. I was acting as if I were frantically grasping for someone to pull me out of my surrounding mental chaos. I knew something was wrong with my thought process, due to the insights of various people (not a kind thing to do, mind you), I just didn't know what or how to fix myself. The only thing I could think to do was to pray.

I got on my knees and literally, begged the Lord to save me. I told Him I knew there was something wrong with me, but I didn't know what to do. 

I cannot convey to you what exactly took place after that. The only thing I know is that an absolute miracle occurred in my life. Slowly the Lord revealed to me the reasons for my thought processes- the occurrences that had happened to manipulate my mind. I was able to slowly process each situation and move beyond them (i.e. my dad and Vietnam, abusive situations in dating relationships, etc.) I feel I need to emphasize that I did nor do not intend to place blame, but just wanted to understand myself and the incorrect perceptions I was faced with. 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that our loving Heavenly Father heard my prayer. I know that Christ has dealt with my specific problems. I know that He knew how to overcome them though I did not. I know that because I exhibited faith in Him, He showed me through His perfect knowledge how to heal my mind.  I know the Lord can and will heal all wounds according to our faith and His will. I cannot convey to you the miracle that took place that night. His Atonement is so miraculous that He literally can change the very makeup of our minds. All the pain, suffering, abuse, loss, etc., we feel in this life cannot stand against the Lord's power. He can lift us out of any black abyss that we may face. He can fill any void that we insatiably try to fill. He did that for me. I know I am the woman I am today because of the Lord's hand in my life. He has guided me to tremendous growth and I can add this to the life long list of things I am both indebted to and ever grateful for. This hymn (#124) helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life.

"Be Still, My Soul"

1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

I also know that if you ever feel lost; if you ever feel alone, afraid, or trodden down He will never leave you comfortless. He will come to you. He stands at the door and knocks. It is up to you to open the door. Let His love and light consume you.

My Love; My Kenny

To all of you I am sharing some of my weaknesses with you here to help you to realize that a) if you have this same weakness you are not alone, and b) don't take people the Lord places in your life for granted.

I had a lot of baggage going into finding a person to marry. I wanted to be loved so badly that I often forced it instead of letting it happen naturally. For example, I was needy. Constantly calling, wanting attention, and insanely pushing to see if he was there for real. I would set myself up for failure in a relationship because I was scared to death of getting hurt by men. I would deem the relationship a failure before it even began, not with every relationship....mostly just this one. By the time this relationship came around I had been through so many awful relationships which only ended in heartbreak...okay maybe a handful, but it was enough to change the person I was. I was a wreck. Because I did that, I really missed out on enjoying the journey. I took it all for granted. I had an expectation of how it was supposed to be and I was constantly trying to force it to be that instead of stepping back and taking a breath and letting it happen. I missed out on that blessing. I missed the allowance of the spirit to touch my heart which would enable me to have a deeper love for this man. I took him for granted for years. Thinking it all should've happened the way I had envisioned it. But in all reality I'm the one who missed out. What a blessing it would've been to have a calm heart and to have been able to enjoy the journey we were taking together.

So here we go. Here is the story of how I met my sweet heart.

Heavenly Father had promised me something in a blessing one summer in my mother's home in Monticello, Utah. He told me He was preparing someone for me. Of course my heart was filled with excitement. I looked at every boy wondering if he was the "one" being prepared for me!

What I didn't know was at that exact time an elder was diligently serving his mission in Ecuador. Walking door to door sharing the gospel and growing into a man who would change my life forever.

I had moved back to Salt Lake at the end of that summer to start my fall semester. I lived in a two bedroom apartment and was desperately looking for a roommate to split my rent in half. My price range was just high enough that most girls didn't come looking, but one was very, very interested. She was 28 years old and extremely odd. She was an avid runner. She made sure she went literally every day of the week. Well, as it so happened she got hit by a car while running. I think she ran too close to the line, personally, but what do I know? Two weeks later, she got hit by another car while running! Well, she drew up a sign up sheet and had it passed around elder's quorum for men to go running with her to "protect" her.

The paper hit the hands of a newly returned missionary and he, being in love with running and composed of a sweet spirit, signed the sheet. He wasn't the only one, and for some reason I was asked to call every man on that list to ask if they would go running with my roommate on any given day of the week. Not only did I call every man I also escorted them through the halls of the apartment complex into our apartment for my roommate. In all reality I only remember one man. I remember opening the door to the complex to find that same returned missionary who spoke in sacrament meeting on my birthday sunday. I remember him because we smiled at each other a couple of times through his talk. He was very stern looking. Very serious minded. Would rarely smile. Oh but when he smiled! My heart melted instantly. Something about this young man seemed so familiar to me, almost as if I'd met him before.

I decided I needed to go running this time too! I didn't want to seem silly, but there was something magnetic about this man. I was very interested in him.

After that I still set up the running days, but when it came to his we texted a couple of times back and forth. The run turned into a date. I remember we made rice crispy treats that date and watched a movie or something of that nature. We never spent another day separated after that first date.

I put him through a lot of grief, but he is the only man who has ever stayed true and by my side in my life. He was my stripling warrior. He has always been silently confident, humbly strong, and always constant and steady. He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. He loved me when I didn't love myself. He was the rock on which I was able to dig through the mess and build who I really am. It is because of him I am the person I am today. Kenny Pie, you saved me. I will never be able to thank you enough for what you have given me.

We were engaged sometime in May, I believe. He took me to the spot the pioneers had found to pick the location of the temple and told me he chose this day for us to start building something beautiful.

We were married November 3, 2005. I was 21 and he was 23. Devri was sealed to us and this was the start of the rest of our lives. Now, a little over 5 years later, I love him more than ever. He is my ultimate comfort. I could be anywhere in the world and as long as I was with him I would feel home. I love you sweetie.