Devri

This picture is awful quality, but it doesn't diminish how sweet little Devri was. Why I was blessed with such a remarkable spirit I will never know, but I'm so glad I was. Devri was born on Augst 3, 2001. 8lbs 11oz. She was a sweet, sweet baby and an even sweeter toddler. How many hopes and dreams I have for you Dev. I changed my whole life around to give you everything you have and went through many trials to do it. I hope one day you will marry in the temple and I will be sitting by your side with Nan to be there for you. Just like Nan and Grandma Black were there by my side.

When we were sealed together in the Salt Lake Temple my dreams came true. It was one of the happiest days of my life. When Dad and I got sealed together first I was fine, but when the sealer asked us to stand so you could be brought into the room to be sealed to us I was overcome with emotion. The tears fell continuously from my eyes. I couldn't control it. It was as if everything I had fought through to bring you to this place to be with me forever was coming to mind. And it was all worth it. All of it. I would do it all again.

One day at school in college I was missing you and couldn't stop thinking about you so I wrote you a poem:

-She Beams-

She Beams...

Golden threads of sunlit hair

She Beams...

Eyes with life and color none compare

She Beams...

No crevice in her perfect skin

She Beams...

The love of Christ radiates within

She Beams...

Hearts are lost to her smile

She Beams, She Beams

The Father's cherished child

You are my little drop of sunlight. I am so proud of the girl you are. I think you are beautiful, but more importantly I think you have a beautiful spirit. I know that there is a very special purpose on this earth for you. I could feel it all around you when you were a baby. I know I haven't been a perfect parent to you. I wish I could've been everything you ever needed. I wish I knew exactly how to speak to you, how to love you, and how to make you become who you are supposed to be. I feel like I've been given this amazing gift and I don't know how to keep it amazing! I'm an imperfect person, Dev. I hope you forgive me for that. I would do anything to help you you rise to your potential. I'm scared to death of raising you in a way that would not suffice the Lord. Your father and I love you so much. Don't ever question that. We will be here for you forever. In this life and the next.

Me, As A Teenager

I did a few things as a teenager that I am absolutely ashamed of. I think of those days as a waste of life. I could've been so much better then I was. I was an awful daughter, a horrible example of a friend, and I never really progressed in school. I did the minimum just to get by. My grades were usually barely scraping by just to stay on the cheer squad. I hate to admit it, but today I think of the person I was as a "loser". I'm not saying I was an awful person, but my choices were awful. Call it hormones, a yearn to be loved by others, or whatever you want. The truth is no matter what happens to you it's not the trial its self, but the way you react to the trial.

There is a quality that I had which I think pulled me out of it all.  I had a desire to be good. I was going about it all the wrong ways.  There were a couple of people in my life who made all the difference. I had the most beautiful hearted, loving mother anyone could ever ask for. She was my main support. I knew she thought the world of me, and often times I would use that to my advantage, which of course I am mortified by now. I had an equally beautiful grandmother (Hilma Burge Black) who I absolutely adored and she was a rock of righteousness in my life. I looked up to her more than she ever knew. I had a seminary teacher (Brother Randy LaRose) who was my mentor. I absorbed his seminary lessons like a sponge and the spirit often burned the truth of his lessons deep into my heart. I had a testimony I knew I could not diverge from. Many of my friends were able to sit through the exact same lessons and not be affected by them as I was. Their lives today are a testament to that. Brother LaRose became my most trusted ally. He talked me through some very hard times and always led me to choose the right. I really feel that he was placed at Monticello High School just for me. I'm sure he has touched the lives of many students, but I don't know that he has touched any of theirs the way he was able to touch mine through the spirit. And finally, when I married Ken it was as if I was finally able to break out of the pattern of life I had become so accustomed. Like the fog finally cleared and I was able to find myself.

Looking back it is easy to see how Heavenly Father lined these people up for me to bring me back to Him, isn't it? How inspirational. I have goose bumps right now. How grateful I am for His hand in my life. What a blessing it is to look back and see that after all these years.

A Changing Point For My Family

Dad left. He found himself a girl friend when I was in about 5th or 6th grade. I remember how embarassed I was. Lots of embarrassing moments. It all led up to me feeling incredibly insecure and having a void I didn't know how to fill. I felt betrayed, unwanted, alone, and mostly bitter. I hated him.

I wrote this angry poem about it. I'm not proud of it now and I think it's rude and cruel, but maybe it will give some insight as to how I was feeling.

How Could You?

Hate fills my veins 

When I think of what you did

You left us and replaced us with

Other people - Heaven forbid

Other people who didn't even 

care about you

I thought I was your little girl

But you managed to replace that too

I would like to know if the alcohol

makes you forget

Forget about the hearts you've broken

and of all your regrets

Did you think I would never need you?

Did you think I wouldn't care?

or is that what you tell yourself

as you go to sleep- How do you dare?

Dare to leave us behind 

Like some unwanted gift

Quit feeling worry for yourself

We're the ones who need the lift.

Don't tell me you love me

Actions speak louder than words.

And I'm supposed to forgive

what you did? It really hurt.

I will forgive

But I'll never forget

You screwed us over

Like we were some bet.

You really don't care about us

You care about yourself- which is nothing new

I was just wondering...

How could you? 

How could you?  

Ew. Is that just the most angry thing ever? Doesn't make me feel very good to read it. I wrote that as a teenager. So I was carrying those feelings around for years. Can you imagine how I must of felt inside? Weighed down by all that negativity and hatred? Pretty unpleasant.

No doubt what he did was wrong. It was a selfish choice that ripped our family apart and emotionally wounded our entire family possibly for life. I know I developed lots of skewed ways of thinking which were set in stone by situations that were to come in my future. I still, 14 years later, struggle with ways of thinking that undoubtedly came from that one choice my dad made, but I was able to let it all go! I was able to rise above it all. I was able to go to the Lord and lift of my backpack full of rocks. Rocks of hatred, animosity, cruelty, and an overal evil disposition towards my very own father.  

So not only am I trying to show the effects of infidelity, but also how one can rise above hatred by going to the Lord and asking for help. 

-My Changing Point-

I hated my dad so much. I just wanted him to feel the hatred oozing out of my pores each time he was even close to me. I wanted him to see my animosity toward him in my eyes. I wanted him to apologize, to embrace me, and tell me how much he loved me, but because he never did that I lashed out by hating him so much it made me sick to look at him. One day I noticed he didn't see any of my hate when he looked at me. He didn't care that I hated him! He was going on living his life not even noticing how badly he hurt me. Well, of course this hurt me even more. I cried and cried about it.

But then I realized (through the spirit, though I didn't recognize it at the time) after a period of time, that I didn't have to carry all that hatred around anymore. I felt that Dad would be confronted with all the pain he caused us either in this life or the next. In order to progress he would have to face up to what he'd done and pay the price for it. I felt sorry for him.

My heart honestly felt sorry that he would have to feel even an ounce of the pain I had felt. I realized that the Lord would take care of it. I didn't have to. In fact I didn't have the authority to make Dad's judgement call. I felt relieved. I felt the wound finally begin to heal. 

After even more time went by and a marriage to my sweetheart, the Lord revealed more to me (line upon line and precept upon precept) so that I could better understand that lesson he had given me years ago. I realized that my dad had been through so much in his life. He served in Vietnam when he was 19. He told me of some of his stories, through one of his drunken stupors, which were horrible (and I was way too young to hear any of them). I think that war traumatized Dad. I really truly believe Dad never grew up. He is still at 60+ years old that 19 year old boy who can't grow up. That's what I believe the Lord showed me. I don't know what he went through in his life that led up to who he is today, and I don't agree with most of the decisions he makes, but none of that really matters. I love him. I pray that out of anything he goes through he knows that. I hope he can feel it in my eyes and my spirit when I am around him. I am grateful to have had him as my dad. 

Me, as a Child

I always look back on my childhood with the fondest of memories. Playing around with my older brother, Terrel, who was, by far my best friend. We played catch, ran around the house, rode our bikes to the swimming pool together, laughed, played Nintendo, and loved exploring at the farm while Dad worked.

Terrel and Me

There was a long hallway which ran right down the middle of our house. I still remember running up and down the hallway of our home, totally care free. I remember putting socks on and running down the hall and into the kitchen to slide across the floor. Yes, we got injured a few times! Terrel was my hero. He was so much better than me at everything we did. He could run faster, throw the ball farther, win all the Nintendo games, and he was so smart. I admired everything he did. He could even give me "pumps" on his bike all the way up the road to the swimming pool. I would sit on the bike seat and he would pedal standing up. I was probably too slow, or had a flat tire, or something of that nature.

Mom, Dad, Brandon, Me, and Terrel

Our New House: Uncle Tob, Grandma Pearson, Aunt Betty, Dad, Grandpa Pearson, Me, and Terrel in front

Me, Grandpa Pearson, and Terrel

I loved my Grandpa Pearson so much. He used to tease me all the time. When we ate one of Grandma Pearson's fabulous meals I would ask him to pass something to me and he would always grin and say, "You got a nickle?" He would tickle my neck all the time (my neck still tickles today.) My childhood was rich and good. I was blessed to have such a happy home.

-Our Nintendo Toys-

Look at how far Nintendo has come! We owned the very first Nintendo(1984) ever marketed. It was so cool. This was amazing to us! I remember having to blow the dust out of the nintendo and the game to basically plug it into the machine so it would read it. This is so old school.

On it we played had Duck Hunt, a hockey game, and Mario Brothers which were my favorites. (that little tiny orangy guy in the bottom picture is Mario)

Then they came out with Game Boys which each of us had. (this may have actually come out later. I can't remember.) They were hand held little nintendos with a screen. The screen wasn't colored like they are today. All the objects were the same tint of grey with a green back ground. 

Next it was Super Nintendo(1991) and we thought this was amazing (I loved playing Aladdin), then Nintendo 64 was the first 3D gaming system.

Nintendo came out with another gaming system called the Game Cube or something. It is the only one we never got. It wasn't very popular. And was surpassed by the Sony Play Station.

Nintendo revamped and came out with the wii, reclaiming it's front running position. This is the "Nintendo" you guys know. Obviously we thought Nintendos were the coolest thing ever!

Why I'm Opening Up a Journal:

Throughout each day I think of many things I'd like to tell my kids or thoughts that come to me that I would love to write down. I am horrible at writing in an actual journal and I know I'm on the computer most of the day so I finally just had the idea of making a very, very private blog. That way I can print it out so my kids and loved ones can read it.... if I want them to =) So if you have been invited to view this, I hope you don't think I'm strange. I plan on writing my most private thoughts and defining moments in here. Mostly just to vent, just to get it all out so I can feel like I said it instead of internalizing it.